I often find myself questioning everything around me. I do not like who I am, that is obvious. I have lost myself. I used to be a vibrant person and i have faded. I ask why am I doing this. I answer for someone else. I have selfish beliefs. I believe that you only live once and if you live for others and do not search out your own happiness you waste what was given to you in this life. I do not take my own advice and everything I do is because others expect it of me.
I fear commitment. I ruin the days of the one that I love, because I am not right for him. In this ruining I wonder to myself why I stay with him. If I loved him, I should let him go to find his own happiness, but the truth is that is a lie, because I am looking for reasons to run. I fear stability to that degree. In high school a friend of mine had a joke about me and boys. it was "the let me brake your heart game." Because I would leave or push away boys that I dated after just long enough for them to like me. It was not premeditated, I think that I just became to afraid of anything permanent. I was free back then and i would forever be so.
I met Seth. I wanted his permanence in my life. What if I tricked myself though. What if I wait until we are married and then run. I can not make that commitment if even any small amount of me thinks that i will do that to him.
I ruined his birthday yesterday because I am who I am now. I hate me. I hate everyday of my life. Often I seem happy go lucky, but I am getting better at that as I used to be. Happy on the outside tormented on the inside. I tell myself hat happiness I will find when this section of my life is over, but what if I die tomorrow? Happiness will forever be out of my reach.