Best Time

Today my cowboy boots took me to Ritchie County. Much occurred, then I came home. I find myself coming up with many good ideas to discuss and being able to formulate ideas in my head while driving recently. Tonight, I began thinking of a time long ago, the best time of my life.
I realize that most people are still looking for the best time of their lives, and some have that special trip or day that was their best time. My was not a trip, or a day, it was a period in my life. When I was young, during the summer evenings, the youth of our area all gathered in our back field. We would sit, start a small fire and talk and then we would play capture the flag and tag and such games. It was just a bunch of kids in the woods running around chasing each other, but I will never forget they way those nights felt.
It was freedom and it was scary and it was wonderfully empowering. It was just a few months for a few years of summer evenings, but that was the best time of my life. When I am out alone in the dark. When the summer evenings get that thickness to the air. When I feel dew as the sun sets. I remember those nights and the inspiration that they instill in me.
I think to ask my friends now if they would all gather in a field and we could run and chase each other about. Would it be the same? Could we bring back the feelings of freedom? Or is that a thing of my past, of my youth? Most likely they would find it a ridiculous notion as I myself do now that I am out of my dark car alone on the interstate musing.
With the identification of my best time however, I am left to wonder on what to look forward to. i must believe that there is something else in life that will instill such feelings of freedom and empowerment in me, but that is only speculation, but a speculation that I will explore to the fullest. After all, in the search for the best thing to top the best thing, I will uncover many next to best things and in the present tense that may be better than my memories of those summers.

Waiting to die

Of latte, my cowboy boots have taken me through life with no purpose. I go to school and work. I do homework. I spend time with Seth (The only happiness I have lately). I do all that I am supposed to because of others. Why must others set standards for us? I want no expectations. It is why I flee. There have been many times lately that I have almost run. It is how I lived my life when I was younger. If I felt like there were expectations, bad blood, or just an odd feeling, I run. It has been many years since I have run to an extreme point, but my life of late makes me want to.
I go to classes that I feel waste my time. I do not want to waste my life and mind learning things that I do not care about, taking classes for a college degree that has nothing to do with what I want. I am tired of hearing others opinions in a class that have nothing to do with that class, they just speak to hear their own opinion. I want to go to that class and learn what I am supposed to and leave because I do not even want to be there to begin with.
During class just the other day, I almost ran. Once I do it once, all will be over, I will not return, I know me well enough to know that. You see, even though I want to, I am letting others influence me against an action, even when that is the reason for the action.
I feel as if all I am doing with my life is waiting to die. Not living. Waiting. Dreading each next day until the weekend when there is some reprieve, but not enough. I realize how fast that time goes, and then I am dreading again. Waiting.
This is my life of late, and I am so sad because of it.

I often find myself questioning everything around me. I do not like who I am, that is obvious. I have lost myself. I used to be a vibrant person and i have faded. I ask why am I doing this. I answer for someone else. I have selfish beliefs. I believe that you only live once and if you live for others and do not search out your own happiness you waste what was given to you in this life. I do not take my own advice and everything I do is because others expect it of me.
I fear commitment. I ruin the days of the one that I love, because I am not right for him. In this ruining I wonder to myself why I stay with him. If I loved him, I should let him go to find his own happiness, but the truth is that is a lie, because I am looking for reasons to run. I fear stability to that degree. In high school a friend of mine had a joke about me and boys. it was "the let me brake your heart game." Because I would leave or push away boys that I dated after just long enough for them to like me. It was not premeditated, I think that I just became to afraid of anything permanent. I was free back then and i would forever be so.
I met Seth. I wanted his permanence in my life. What if I tricked myself though. What if I wait until we are married and then run. I can not make that commitment if even any small amount of me thinks that i will do that to him.
I ruined his birthday yesterday because I am who I am now. I hate me. I hate everyday of my life. Often I seem happy go lucky, but I am getting better at that as I used to be. Happy on the outside tormented on the inside. I tell myself hat happiness I will find when this section of my life is over, but what if I die tomorrow? Happiness will forever be out of my reach.

My cowboy boots have not taken me anywhere near a horse of late. I could add to that by swapping of late for in months. Even then, my interaction with what was once my sole reason for living (Not exaggerated) was limited to a passing pat on the nose.
I miss the feeling of companionship and the bond that came with riding and caring for horses. It is the most magical occurrence I have ever experienced, the bond between horses and women. I know that this is true. There have been books, movies, articles, songs, and poems all dedicated to this bond, but I don't think that it has ever stood out to me so much as it does when I do not have it. It is like a hole in my heart, something perpetually missing.
I also miss riding and competing with a stable. Training with friends, competing with a group, and having someone to guide me through not only equestrian related obstacles, but life as well. During the times in my life like these, I always had a place to go and there was always a face, or a muzzle, to greet me.
I miss the smells, the sounds, the textures of that life. I miss the simplicity of who I was then. I miss the feeling of knowing exactly where I belong.
I am not a big believer in New Year Resolutions. I think that If you have something that you need resolved that you should do it without waiting for a new year, but maybe, since the time is right, I will make one. This year, maybe not this week or next week, but this year, my cowboy boots can carry me back to that life, to find that bond, to rediscover those feelings. Maybe it is just what I need to find myself.

College

I m investigating the possibility that I may feel differently about college than I used to. When I first began my college career, I loved it. I put effort into my course work and I made good grades for the first time in my life, and school was fun. I felt, through these good grades, that I was achieving something.
I do not believe that I feel that way any longer. College is a chore now. It is no longer something that I enjoy. There are some classes that I still enjoy, but for the most part I am just unhappy with the experience. I feel that I am bring force fed information that I will never actually use and that I have no interest in learning.
I feel that it is a waste of my time, but I tell myself that I need each small part of the whole for my degree, however meaningless. However, a degree to some is pointless. Every student at every university feels that a degree is going to better their lives by allowing them to acquire a good job and generate lots of income. This is not the case in many situations. My degree may be pointless, and with this thought, comes the thought that me sitting in classes that are unrelated entirely to what I want to do in the first place, not only makes me feel like my time is being wasted, but renders me useless.
I do not want to waste my time. However, I really do not want to bust my ass just to feel useless.

This is the tone that I usually use. I used to be happy and optimistic about life. The fact that I no longer am, justifies how pointless I feel that my life has become.