I often find myself questioning everything around me. I do not like who I am, that is obvious. I have lost myself. I used to be a vibrant person and i have faded. I ask why am I doing this. I answer for someone else. I have selfish beliefs. I believe that you only live once and if you live for others and do not search out your own happiness you waste what was given to you in this life. I do not take my own advice and everything I do is because others expect it of me.
I fear commitment. I ruin the days of the one that I love, because I am not right for him. In this ruining I wonder to myself why I stay with him. If I loved him, I should let him go to find his own happiness, but the truth is that is a lie, because I am looking for reasons to run. I fear stability to that degree. In high school a friend of mine had a joke about me and boys. it was "the let me brake your heart game." Because I would leave or push away boys that I dated after just long enough for them to like me. It was not premeditated, I think that I just became to afraid of anything permanent. I was free back then and i would forever be so.
I met Seth. I wanted his permanence in my life. What if I tricked myself though. What if I wait until we are married and then run. I can not make that commitment if even any small amount of me thinks that i will do that to him.
I ruined his birthday yesterday because I am who I am now. I hate me. I hate everyday of my life. Often I seem happy go lucky, but I am getting better at that as I used to be. Happy on the outside tormented on the inside. I tell myself hat happiness I will find when this section of my life is over, but what if I die tomorrow? Happiness will forever be out of my reach.
Monday, January 24, 2011
Saturday, January 15, 2011
My cowboy boots have not taken me anywhere near a horse of late. I could add to that by swapping of late for in months. Even then, my interaction with what was once my sole reason for living (Not exaggerated) was limited to a passing pat on the nose.
I miss the feeling of companionship and the bond that came with riding and caring for horses. It is the most magical occurrence I have ever experienced, the bond between horses and women. I know that this is true. There have been books, movies, articles, songs, and poems all dedicated to this bond, but I don't think that it has ever stood out to me so much as it does when I do not have it. It is like a hole in my heart, something perpetually missing.
I also miss riding and competing with a stable. Training with friends, competing with a group, and having someone to guide me through not only equestrian related obstacles, but life as well. During the times in my life like these, I always had a place to go and there was always a face, or a muzzle, to greet me.
I miss the smells, the sounds, the textures of that life. I miss the simplicity of who I was then. I miss the feeling of knowing exactly where I belong.
I am not a big believer in New Year Resolutions. I think that If you have something that you need resolved that you should do it without waiting for a new year, but maybe, since the time is right, I will make one. This year, maybe not this week or next week, but this year, my cowboy boots can carry me back to that life, to find that bond, to rediscover those feelings. Maybe it is just what I need to find myself.
I miss the feeling of companionship and the bond that came with riding and caring for horses. It is the most magical occurrence I have ever experienced, the bond between horses and women. I know that this is true. There have been books, movies, articles, songs, and poems all dedicated to this bond, but I don't think that it has ever stood out to me so much as it does when I do not have it. It is like a hole in my heart, something perpetually missing.
I also miss riding and competing with a stable. Training with friends, competing with a group, and having someone to guide me through not only equestrian related obstacles, but life as well. During the times in my life like these, I always had a place to go and there was always a face, or a muzzle, to greet me.
I miss the smells, the sounds, the textures of that life. I miss the simplicity of who I was then. I miss the feeling of knowing exactly where I belong.
I am not a big believer in New Year Resolutions. I think that If you have something that you need resolved that you should do it without waiting for a new year, but maybe, since the time is right, I will make one. This year, maybe not this week or next week, but this year, my cowboy boots can carry me back to that life, to find that bond, to rediscover those feelings. Maybe it is just what I need to find myself.
Tuesday, January 11, 2011
College
I m investigating the possibility that I may feel differently about college than I used to. When I first began my college career, I loved it. I put effort into my course work and I made good grades for the first time in my life, and school was fun. I felt, through these good grades, that I was achieving something.
I do not believe that I feel that way any longer. College is a chore now. It is no longer something that I enjoy. There are some classes that I still enjoy, but for the most part I am just unhappy with the experience. I feel that I am bring force fed information that I will never actually use and that I have no interest in learning.
I feel that it is a waste of my time, but I tell myself that I need each small part of the whole for my degree, however meaningless. However, a degree to some is pointless. Every student at every university feels that a degree is going to better their lives by allowing them to acquire a good job and generate lots of income. This is not the case in many situations. My degree may be pointless, and with this thought, comes the thought that me sitting in classes that are unrelated entirely to what I want to do in the first place, not only makes me feel like my time is being wasted, but renders me useless.
I do not want to waste my time. However, I really do not want to bust my ass just to feel useless.
This is the tone that I usually use. I used to be happy and optimistic about life. The fact that I no longer am, justifies how pointless I feel that my life has become.
I do not believe that I feel that way any longer. College is a chore now. It is no longer something that I enjoy. There are some classes that I still enjoy, but for the most part I am just unhappy with the experience. I feel that I am bring force fed information that I will never actually use and that I have no interest in learning.
I feel that it is a waste of my time, but I tell myself that I need each small part of the whole for my degree, however meaningless. However, a degree to some is pointless. Every student at every university feels that a degree is going to better their lives by allowing them to acquire a good job and generate lots of income. This is not the case in many situations. My degree may be pointless, and with this thought, comes the thought that me sitting in classes that are unrelated entirely to what I want to do in the first place, not only makes me feel like my time is being wasted, but renders me useless.
I do not want to waste my time. However, I really do not want to bust my ass just to feel useless.
This is the tone that I usually use. I used to be happy and optimistic about life. The fact that I no longer am, justifies how pointless I feel that my life has become.
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